The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Why am I like this?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.