When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Good news
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.