[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Bringing home a sharpie
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.