[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
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KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.