[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Lmbo
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble