[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.