A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.