devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Raisins are grape jerky.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
You have been warned.