[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share