6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants