I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
You Might Also Like
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.