“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
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Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.