“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“our sushi is very fresh”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had