me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Happy thanksgiving
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.