“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!