Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Bike for sale
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?