Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*