ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
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I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My dress code is business-casualty.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.