Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.