*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
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If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Bring back the McRib
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections