“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Great game to play with friends
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.