1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.