GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*