Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Happy Taco Tuesday
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.