Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Still my favorite headline of all time:
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine