“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.