(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
checking out some reviews of my local library
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!