No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.