*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit