Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Who needs an Air Fryer?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse