I just got arrested for felonious mopery
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Oh yeh? Explain this then
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.