There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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This is painfully accurate 😅
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
mood
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.