Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace