*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Spell check is for lasers.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.