It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”