Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
This kid is a star!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.