I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Otters drive ottermobiles.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”