WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.