Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
canadian assassins are called killergrams
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Jurassic park gets weird
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.