Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Kids, do not try this at home!
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.