I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Catercrombie & Fish
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
some things should go without saying