Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
me and the Superbowl rn
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.