Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple