Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
greetings!
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.