Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
You Might Also Like
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Pickled cat.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I hate my earbuds.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.