Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You Might Also Like
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Worth the read.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.