If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
The old gods are rising again.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.