no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Danger is very dangerous
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.