My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.