I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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Me, reading some of your tweets
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.